


A CHECKLIST FOR STARSCREAM

by thoughtsdemise



Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Humor, Naughty language, violence mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-05-01 05:04:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5193293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thoughtsdemise/pseuds/thoughtsdemise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wanting to take over the Decepticon Army?  Here’s a step-by-step on how not to fuck it up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A CHECKLIST FOR STARSCREAM

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Decepticonsensual](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Decepticonsensual/gifts).



> A re-structured old work.

1\.  Make sure that fucker is DEAD!  Even if you have to pull him apart piece by piece and melt him down to slag then irradiate that slag, make sure he’s dead and cannot be revived in any way shape or form.

2\.  Seed friends not enemies, try to stop being an outright prick to your allies, and don’t be afraid to lick a little ass from time to time. You’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but you’ll catch a few more if you throw in a little bullshit along the way too.  Just keep track of your bullshit, or it could hit the fan.

3\.  Make the babies happy, it makes the papa happy.  A caretaker will be more inclined to be helpful to your cause if he thinks that his babies would benefit more from your rule than another’s.  Besides there is nothing more dangerous than a pissed off Papa ‘Wave protecting his bitlets; use that to your advantage.

4\.  REPEAT AFTER ME:  Is that fucker dead?  Is that fucker really dead?  Is that fucker REALLY REALLY dead?  I know this is beating a supposedly dead Megatron, but always weed yourself back to step one if it feels off.

5\.  If you’ve been a complete dick to the members of your faction and even licking ass cannot deter your level in too deep, the enemy of my enemy is my friend.  Just try to stay away from the other calculating second in command, the scary third in command, and try to appeal to those with a soft sparked nature you’ve not gutted before.  Have a good tear jerking story lined up; I hear “As the Kitchen Sinks” has good source material.

6\.  The squishy variable can be a gift sent from Primus or can land you on the carving table.  Deploy this variable with utmost care and consider all outcomes and variants.  Also keep in mind an Autobot’s love for squishable things (even to the rare extent of the schemers).  You’re big, they’re not.  You’re made of metal, they’re not.  You have thousands of years of experience, they don’t.  What they do have is the sympathy truth in the fact they are squishable and have lying puppy eyes.

7\.  TIME FOR A REPEAT:  If that fucker ain’t dead, you better run, pray and hide for a while.  I hear the Caribbean is nice this time of year, or the Amazon River Basin has lots of lovely places to hide away.  Just make sure to bring some rust repellant.  But don’t worry your wings off because no one’s a backstabbing schemer like you and the slagmaker is nothing without his scheming bitch.  You keep him young and paranoid so take pride in that if you’ve not effectively gotten rid of him yet.

8\.  Make the hermit weirdo happy.  Whatever you’ve got to do, choke it down and do it.  Not only will it save you from being potential buggy food, if you have pissed off the babies and therefore Papa ‘Wave then the hermit weirdo can do science.  And doing science might just save your widdle ass from the smelting pit or being dismantled or given as a bride to Tarn and/or Overlord or...

9\.  Collect allies like they’re Pokemon.  This way if you fuck up badly enough and piss the wrong Pokemon off, you’ll still have a backup to train and bend to your will (unless you piss that chance away as well).  Just remember to let your Pokemon out of their balls from time to time to feed and play with them.  Having a skeleton show up when you declare “whatever that thing is I summon you” is just bad form, dude.

10\.  The most foolproof way of not fucking taking over the Decepticon Army up?  Be happy being second in command and stepping on those under you.  Because let’s face it, you know and I know that:

    _a.   you didn’t make sure that fucker was dead_

_b.  you can’t stop your supreme bitch-dickiness from shining through_

_c.  you didn’t make the babies happy, so the papa is pissed_

_d.  the enemy of my enemy is still your enemy and they might be scheming to nail your ass_

_e.  the squishy variable blew up in your face (either way, same results-BOOM IT GOES)_

_f.  the hermit weirdo ain’t happy, so get a can of bug spray_

_g.  the skeletons inside all your Pokeballs are telling enough_

_h.  just hightail it the hell out of dodge for a while or kiss your widdle ass goodbye_

 

Disclaimer:  If you decide to actually attempt to use these steps to overthrow Megatron and rule the Decepticons, I shall pray that your next life is an easy one where you don’t have to rely on your brain power to get by.  The depraved mind who put these together cannot be held responsible for your stupidity as well as her own derangement.  So good luck buddy, and may you be missed by the pulse cannon again.


End file.
